If You Take a Missionary to Walmart

If you take a missionary to Walmart (or any store with more than three aisles), they’re sure to need plenty of moral support, so don’t let them go off on their own. If you do, you may come upon them curled in the fetal position under a rack of clothes, moaning softly to themselves. Once you’re in the store, take a look at their list. The store has probably (almost certainly) changed in the two+ years they’ve been away, so they won’t be able to find anything. Be prepared for one of two experiences: wanting to grab everything on the list as quickly as possible and get out, or walk through each aisle and look at everything. Everything, folks. (That was me.)

Seriously, guys, these things
are amazing!
Image used from Google

After you’ve ascertained which type of shopper you are with, get started. Now, you do need to keep an eye on the missionary. They’ve been away for a long time, so they have likely forgotten about many food items that you can purchase in America. Things like Quaker chewy chocolate chip granola bars, pop that isn’t Coke (beware of that diet stuff, though—it tastes like dirt), and an entire aisle dedicated to bread (that you yourself don’t have to mix, knead, let rise, shape, let rise, and bake!). Also, watch out for the bulk items. In many foreign countries, you can only buy small bags of sugar or laundry powder, so they may run toward those bulk items with arms outstretched. If the missionary has eight kids, then the 20 pound bag of sugar is a good idea; for the single, perhaps not.

Speaking of pounds, you may have to do a bit of review. Most other countries use the metric system (kilograms, litres, etc.), and it’s good to remember that one kilo does not equal one pound. (1 kg = 2.2 lbs, in case you were wondering.) About this time, your missionary has probably nearly hyperventilated at least six times, so they likely have to use the restroom. You may want to warn them about the horror that is the automatic flushing toilet. It can flush at very inopportune times. Next comes handwashing. Look out for both automatic and non-automatic faucets, soap dispensers, and towel dispensers. Your missionary may stand in front of the sink for ten minutes, looking for the knob to turn on the water, or, conversely, waving their hands in front of the knob, trying to make the water come on automatically. The same goes for the soap, towels, and any air hand dryers you may encounter. Now, keep in mind that the whole handwashing issue may be avoided if the missionary is carrying hand sanitizer (because missionaries always have hand sanitizer).

Image used from Google

By this time, it’s probably time to check out because it feels like you’ve been there for an eternity, although it may have actually been only 15 minutes. WARNING: DANGER ZONE AHEAD. American money is very confusing to the just-returned missionary. All the bills are the same size and colour and the coins make no sense at all (if the nickel is worth LESS than a dime, why on earth is it bigger than the dime?!?!) Your missionary may choose what they think is the easier route and try to use their credit/debit card. In the two+ years they have been away, this, too, has changed. One no longer simply swipes and signs. Oh no, there are options now. One can swipe, stick the card in the machine until the machine screams at you to take it out, or (I’m not entirely sure this one is true, I’ve never actually seen it with my own eyes) apparently one can wave something (a phone, I think?) over the machine and some magic happens or something.

Now your missionary is probably a melted puddle of reverse-culture shock exhaustion and may need a ride in one of those complimentary wheelchairs to get out to the car (where they will inevitably get in the on the wrong side, but that’s a story for another day).